Meet the Carlson’s. That’s me on the right, and my three girls on the left.

Between the four of us, we speak six languages: English, Lingala, French, Mandarin, Spanglish, with a splash of Goo-Goo-Ga-Ga. Our accents are thicker than honey: small-town Minnesotan (yah, sure, you betcha), rural Congalese, and coastal Chinese, to be exact.

If you happen to sit in the booth behind us at the local Longhorn Steakhouse where the girls devour shrimp as spicy as they can make it while I eat the salmon, and you overhear our table full of lively conversation, chances are you won’t have any idea what is going on. Then again, chances are we don’t either.

We like different foods,

have different alphabets,

varied hair textures,

different colors of skin.

We have different ways of expressing who we are & what we feel.

Our lives began worlds apart, on different continents, in different political climates, during different decades, with cement or tin or shingled roofs over each of our heads.

I hadn’t planned on becoming a single foster mom (nor did I know an Unaccompanied Refugee Minors program existed)…just like these beautiful girls hadn’t planned on being displaced from the only worlds they once knew.

But here I am, and here they are: one big, wonderful, unconventional, hilarious, precious, committed, messy, grateful, ordained global family.

Heartache brought us together; and love binds us for the rest of time.

My Role, Reborn

As a newer parent, I thought it was my job to be the guardian of their galaxies, teacher, guru, American mama bear, a one-stop-shop with answers to all life’s biggest questions.

And I suppose I have taught them a few things. Like how, “Goodnight, my dear” does not mean “Goodnight, my mammal with slender legs and knobby knees and brownish fur and deciduous antlers.” Dear vs. Deer = check.

Over these last two years, I have quickly learned my role reads a lot more like student and a lot less like teacher. Here are three things these smart cookies have taught me…and one thing I’m still working hard to learn. (Oh yeah, I also taught them the phrase “smart cookie.” Follow me for more delicious parenting advice).

1. The importance of slowing down.

American culture is rapid-fire, 24/7, burn the midnight oil, to-do lists in our Notes app – so long they require unreasonable amounts of scrolling. And if not you, that is most definitely me.

This isn’t the pace most other countries run at…and as I zipped and bopped and flung them around from this errand to that activity, from one gathering to another appointment – I became aware of the cause and affect my average-American lifestyle was having.

Through trial and error (soooo many errors), I’ve adopted a new stride. Instead of constantly going out, they’ve taught me to settle in. Instead of ramping up, they’ve shown me how to hunker down. Yes, we still work hard and hustle our buns and try new things…

…but instead of bottomless to-do lists, their camaraderie reminds me the most important things in life are usually not found on a list, but on a couch with books, in silence, side-by-side. Or at the dinner table with a deck of cards. Or sitting on a bedroom floor; fewer phones, and more conversation.

2. Language: it’s more than just words.

Arriving to the U.S. not knowing any English but Hello, these girls had their work cut out for them. By the time each came into my life, they had a good start, but not without our hurdles. Yet whenever our giggles fall into sync, I think “now here’s a language I understand!”

These girls have taught me three universal dialects that transcend any dictionary.

Laughter.

Shared experiences.

And time.

As it turns out, you don’t need to share a vocabulary to dig your hands into stringy pumpkin guts, take a stroll around a lake, hold someone’s hand through every contraction, or hang ornaments on a tree. As hours have turned to days, then weeks, then months, and now years, these universal languages continue to knit our eclectic group together, few words required.

3. How to live with an open heart.

I’ve had some breakups in my life, and after each one I always wonder do I have what it takes to try again? Maybe you’ve experienced loss too – a loved one, or a home, or a dream – now gone.

As I watch these girls open their hearts to a new culture, new classmates, new foods, a new family, new ways of doing life, I can barely breathe. Despite loss, they remain soft and kind. Willing and strong. They are warriors, persevering, so genuine, so real.

They’ve taught me that yes, I can try again – after any sort of loss. We can do harder things than we ever thought possible. Dreams of all kinds are within reach when we surround ourselves with the right support and actions. I know this because every single day their big brave hearts show me how.

4. It’s time to get a little uncomfy.

To me, the American life feels so…right. (That’s exactly what the stereotypical American would say, right?) But it’s because this is my culture. And I’m a pro at what I know.

In my early days of fostering, I was excited to introduce these girls to everything. My people, my stores, my holidays, my traditions, the Hollywood hits scripted in English (but with your subtitles, because I’m sooo thoughtful like that).

“Check out how this meat has been de-boned, de-feathered, sealed and packaged up neat with a UPC on it. Cool, huh!?”

“Here’s my church; don’t you love the music?” “Here’s these eating utensils…no hands or chopsticks required!”

Your way is…interesting, and if you think that’s cool, look at this way! This awesome food. This brand of tea. Have you ever shopped at Target? Been on vacation? I’ve got so many fun things for us to try!

Don’t get me wrong. The introduction to roller coasters was a hit. My spinach and artichoke dip recipe? A grand slam. And the magic of Christmas lights was love at first twinkle. These ladies would be the first to say, there’s some wonderful things in my corner of the world.

And yet…

I am still a beginner at this, but I will tell you, when I stop viewing myself as the expert – those moments I genuinely step from leader to learner…when I see these girls as the cultural experts that they are, I’m often moved to tears. They live outside their comfort zones on the daily. And slowly, I’m learning to lighten up on doing life “Jen’s way” and diving deeper into their beautiful cultures, into their amazing ways of doing life too.

Believe me, this isn’t one of those “good for you” moments – this is not a charity act, not a pat-on-the-back sort of thing. As they school me on new ways to shop and to cook, celebrate holidays, do life, I am reminded just what warriors and queens these young women truly are.

I still have so much to learn. But lucky for me, I’ve got a couple of smart cookies as teachers.